wow june, i guess i never paid attention to the passing of time. we think we have so much time to do what we want and in reality we do, we just have to realize that, that time can be taken from us very fast. it is hard for me not to look back, over the last 5 years and not wonder what if.. what if i had not parted.. what if i went to class and studied hard.. what if i had not gone to that birthday party... there are so many moments that i wonder if they had not happened where would i be, who i would be. there have been very defining moments in my life in the last 5 years, i am having to live with the consaquences of some actions/ decisions that i made 5,4,3,2,1, years ago. its funny every morning i read the blog that my exs mother writes, and i dont know why i just do maybe its for the connection, the religious words that she writes, or simplely that i will always love him and them no matter how they feel about me. as i watch my family fall apart and i cling to what i can i wonder what would have happened had someone in my family gotten ill as casey had? how would my family hold up? i marval at how strong his family was, the roles that they , we took on. and what a blessing in turn that experence has been. i miss him dearly every day and i dont know if that will ever change i dont think it will, and im ok with that he was, is and will always be a very speacial part of who i am. the lessons that i learned from that whole experience some easier than others.

replacement !!!

is really tired of being replaced, i guess i should not be surprised but i thought this would be different ! but i guess not but what can i say wont be the last and this is not the first that is for damn sure ! whatever!! peace out ! dont care any more !! fuck it

new beginings.......

So it is now April 13, 2009 holy shit! I cant believe that
it is already April. It has been a crazy couple of months and year . So first off I gotten
a new tattoo and it may possible be my favorite. It is my first tattoo that can
easily be seen its is on the inside of my left wrist, it is a Celtic knot. It is
a tattoo with more meaning than any I have to this point it signifies the new beginning.
It was a nice ending to a perfectly amazing day! i got to go to the zoo with a totally amazing man, who is so much fun to be around, i can barley believe it. As many of you know the last
year has been a roller coaster and I am glad to say I have finally gotten off
of it! I have moved out the parents house and am now on my own again (since
Jan). Im going to take the leap and I am going to be going back to school in the
fall to finish my degree, decided it was time to grow up ! and get my shit together. i want a house and a family and husband ( maybe not in that order but anyway) and i can not do and have those things with what im doing at the current moment. I am still working
two jobs but hope to be able to stop that be fore to long! I have decided to
start dating again; I can stand by and let life pass me by! i am at the moment dating a really amazing guy, still kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop out of the sky and i am scared to death of being hurt again! but “To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.” ( not that i am in love with him ) So now I plan to be
apart of life! The tattoo will always be there to remind me where I came from
and where I want to be and what I want out of life! I have also decided to
surround my self with the most amazing people H and B you know who you are,
they both with out realizing it help me and mean so much to me !! and we will one day rule the world and it will be amazing, we will get to travel and see and do things that the other people we work with only dare to dream about !! And as to you todd ! i can barley express how amazing you have been over the last almost year with helping, listening, talking about casey but not just that either!!
Thank you for being so wonderful to me and helping me and playing by my rules!!
Life is really kind of normal at this point! i need to get a couple new seasons of stargate and the tudors but im poor it is also my mission to own a ed hardy bag!!!! I do believe that I may actually turn off the MySpace, I may have just out grown that stage but I do have a facebook. Any way I think that is about it! ~ but we will see what happens! ~~